Here we go again...

 I am really glad that I posted the last time stuff got weird with my partner and I.  Well, at least that is how I see it.  There is a lot that happened in a very short period of time tonight, and again, it all started with what I thought was sharing my feelings.  

True, I asked myself if I should bother even sharing, but I thought that I had a pretty good point to make.  Of course I thought so, right.  So, I share my feelings, with my 'partner'–we will get to this word in a minute–and when I did, it became an issue and a battle that he wanted to win it seemed.  Not just listening to me, but wanting to defend.  I didn't know, don't know, how to just ask him to hear me.  Doesn't really needs to be fixed or anything at the time.  I just want the words to sit.  But I also don't have control over how someone will respond to me, right.  Just because I want to be heard, doesn't mean I will be.

So this conversation that we are having devolves in I am not even sure what.  From my angle I was just trying to say what I wanted to say and ask for some kindness from him regarding how much and how late I work, because I don't do that to him (he works a lot).  This was an evening that he asked me to go hang, so maybe I just shouldn't have said anything.  And for him he wanted to defend himself and then point out an "arsenal" of things that he could say about me.  Like he is keeping score.

The next comment from him is really what broke the whole thing down for me.  He told me, after 13 years, that I am his "homie" and that we aren't really in a relationship.  Mind you, I call his children my sons, he refers to my dogs as his daughters, he calls me his kids step mom, we have shared more than many couples do over 13 years, but I am just his homie and "partner in crime" only.  

Having been sitting in the car with him next to my own, trying to salvage the night and still trying to talk him into going for that drink we were going to, I instead ask that maybe we shouldn't speak for a while.  He says how long.  I said, "I don't know.  I have enough homies" and get out of the car.

I want to be ok to just walk away.  I feel like I deserve a man who will claim me.  He doesn't want me for his own. He likes what I can do for him, but wants no part in bearing any heavy lifting in a relationship.  I want to be able to just let him go.  I want to say I am allowed to have a man who loves me and will not deny me.  After 13 years, that is hard to walk away from.  I feel like it is the healthy thing to do, but it is scary.  I have built a lot of my life with this man.  We are intertwined in a lot of ways both personally and professionally.  I don't hate him.  I am not even mad.  I am just sad that I am so ready to give my heart to someone who doesn't really want it.