Tuesday, August 18, 2015

A Voice from the Past

So, I found a voice recorder that I had been using a while back.  It was an interesting find.  I listened to myself from 6 years ago as I pondered life, cried over ex lovers, retold stories of new lovers, tried out comedy material, made lists of songs for mix tapes, and so much more.  It was heart felt to hear myself hurt and heal and I can remember this me.  I remember sweetly this time in my life and how I was affected by it all.

I was 34 and searching to find my strength.  I was learning to be mindful-I still am.  I was wondering about my future.  I was driving cross country back to my home in Pennsylvania.  I was wandering, but I was not quite lost.  

I miss that me as I miss all the parts of me through my progression.  Not because I was younger or thinner, but because there is something so sweet about riding the edge of self discovery and awareness.  There is something so great in taking HUGE steps forward in your life and growing as a person.  If that me were here right now, I would hug her-she certainly needed it then.  I cried a lot on that recorder.  I laughed some too.  It was somewhat painful to remember how sad I had been during that time of my life-over a boy who almost broke me.   Looking back, it wasn't a long period of my life, but living it seemed a heartbreaking eternity.   It was definitely beautiful to listen to me as I struggled for strength and dignity.  We are all looking for that.  I hope I never stop.  

Life doesn't happen the way we expect it to, but it does happen the way it should.  It reveals itself to us through chaos and calm and we make our own peace with it.  I have battled with my thoughts and my past, and I cannot say that I have won, because my life is a constant practice, but I can say that I have grown.  Listening to the digital recording of a younger me, I hear myself as I wax philosophical, "When times are hard, when life falls apart, when the unexpected happens, often times our first instinct is to run, move somewhere different, change jobs, get a new lover, call a friend on the phone, but sometimes the universe doesn't allow us the opportunities to run.  And we learn that it's best for us to just take a deep breath and settle in to the uncomfortable newness of an old situation...So in Prescott I stay to settle in, to see what the year ahead has to bring."

I am glad that back in July of 2009 I had to drive back from Pennsylvania to return to a job that I had been laid off from because of budget cuts.  I am glad that I picked up a skinny dog from the pound the day I got back in the 928.  I am glad that I made amazing friends like Paula and Jen and Rhiana.  I am glad that I found a love in Josh that is honest and hard and amazing.  I am glad that I found me, that I stuck it out.  I am a better person for it all.

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