Sunday, January 24, 2010


the truth

I would like to meditate and reflect a moment on the past fews years or so of my life. I don't want to relive history, I just would like to note that I have come very far as a person. I have changed in a physical and spiritual sense.

I work hard-sometimes harder than others-to transform my body into something I find beautiful, strong and capable. I try not to punish myself when I am weak. I try to take it in stride. The way I accept life is a part of my spiritual change.

I don't mean spiritual as religious, but more as in the most essential me. The psyche that is the basis for my values, philosophies, and actions. I have become a more patient person, like the turtle. I am slower to react; I am more quiet; I carry my sanctuary with me. Or at least I try to.

I began my healing a long time ago. It has been a bumpy road with many stumbles. A desperate phone call to a licensed stranger pulled me down a new path. Betty helped me to become more aware.

I try my best to live in the now. I practice always. I read books and listen to their lessons. I try to offer advice to others without boasting or preaching. I try to listen to the world as she teaches me. I try to offer my compassion even to those that hurt me. I can't always say that my practice is perfect. I can say that at times I am judging of others and myself. Yet, No reward comes without work. I enjoy the work.

Some of the most basic practices that I have adopted are eating right, sleeping right and exercising. The body must be physically healthy for the mind to work right. Upon reflection of my ongoing transformation, clearly the psychological changes parallel the physical ones.

There are times of self pity and rumination. Those times are less now. There are times when the spin and perseveration of the mind cannot be quashed with a deep breath or two. At first, I almost always fight against giving in to the moment; nevertheless, eventually, I do. I realize that when that anxiety is smoldering, getting panicky and tossing piles of duff onto the coals can't be good. I mean I am already breathing heavy. I am just fanning the flames here. I ride it out. I let it take me. I just feel with it. I breathe. I stretch. I practice metta. Eventually, like everything, the moment passes.

It is so easy to see then that nothing lasts forever. When the sky is blue and birds are singing sweetly, how easily I forget that dark clouds are hidden just beyond the mountains. But that is the way it should be. Right now there are no ominous patterns in the sky. I am enjoying the beauty. And when the unlovely comes, I will enjoy that at as well.

It is all a part of the human condition. We all have the same experiences more or less. We share such commonalities. We are individuals, but we are never as alone as we feel at times. The feeling of isolation itself is scary to most. You are never alone. I have love in my heart for you. However, spend some time alone, with yourself. Listen to your breath and just feel your place in the world. Know that you are exactly where you should be, there is nothing else.

I will leave you with my metta mantra. It has helped me to be more open to the experience. Occasionally I will add a line to it when I need a little extra help with a part of my life. I try to start every morning with this.

May I be happy.
May I be peaceful and at ease.
May I be free from harm.
May I be well.

Feel free to take it and use it as your own, or tell me something you like to do to bring you to center. What do you do to make you feel better? How do you handle the mental crisis?


Tegan said...

This is a gorgeous piece of writing.

In chaos, I simply like to sleep. I find that when I wake up, things are easier to solve. Regardless of being well-rested, just allowing time to pass takes away the urgency and anxiety of problems.

She answers to Layla said...

We met at the gym through Danielle and I'm glad to find your blog! This piece especially is absolutely fabulous. I think there is something powerful about the 'Saturn Returning' shift we go through in our later twenties....

I know for me a lot of bad had to happen before I reached out for help, and when I did, when I was two months 27, my life started to change.

A lot of what I do to get through mental crises is similar to what you've posted. I'm a big prayer. I journal daily. This helps a lot. Letting my pen do the thinking because my mind is to stubborn or clueless to figure it out.

Anyway! Just wanted to say thank you for this beautiful post, and I'll be 'following' you now. Hope to see you at the gym again soon!