Monday, November 23, 2009

This one stings...

my phone just went off. it gave the strangest noise i have ever heard. i realized i set an alarm to note my birthday's arrival. Today, November 23, I turn 35. It is momentous to me. This moment I hope to be one of those clear ones that I will remember forever. At thirty-five I look at what I have, who I am, and what I have done. I see a woman still growing and learning about herself. I see a little girl who has grown so much already. I have been waiting for this moment for months-years really. But I have wondered for months now how I would feel right now. I feel heavy and filled with so much-good and bad. I feel brave and terrified having to traipse through this earth who knows how much longer still. I ache and understand how precious it all is. I wonder if I have left my mark enough, wonder if i will leave it still. I want to feel sorry for myself, but I can't. Through tears I know that it all goes on no matter what. I know that the suffering and joys of this world are fleeting. I am trying to be anchored and grounded in this moment. I find it easier to not ponder the future than to not remember the past. I find it difficult to not judge me right now. I find compassion for me hard. I am disappointed in me and where my life is. I wanted something more. Yet there is nothing more than this. This is where life has brought me. This is where this me should be. It hurts. I would lie if i didn't say that. But there is still something that feels good. it is a little dusty and hidden under some clutter right now, but it is there. It is funny, I pampered myself all day today and really didn't think about my birthday. I read comments on FB of people sending me well wishes on my day. It still never really registered. It wasn't until that damn alarm rang and I realized just how close to my birthdate I was. I wonder what this year will bring. I have no hopes or wishes really. I may actually think now that having them is a waste. There are things that I want to do or continue to do, though. I will continue to learn and enjoy and get involved. I probably will still hide from the world when I get scared or sad. I will try to treat my whole self right. I will practice and be mindful. I like where I am now, I mean I hate it, but I like it. It isn't where I wanted to be. It is so far away from the reels that played in my head but that is ok. It has to be. I don't know where it all goes from here. I am curious to find out.

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