I don’t get relationships.

Tonight was an awesome night. I hung out with friends, played trivia, came in third place, had a few glasses of wine, and took my partner home with me.

While we were hanging out, the  wine perhaps has gone to my head and I brought up some relationship questions.

We’ve carried on a Situationship for well over a decade. We’ve had our ups and we’ve had our downs. Tonight, I asked, I thought innocently but poignantly, about our lack of communication. Pointing to a situation over the weekend where are miscommunication or lack of communication almost lead to us not sharing a wonderful family weekend.

 Upon sharing my concerns about our lack of communication, or rather wishing we had better communication. My partner began to point out my faults. Namely that I am not the neatest person in the world. Reminding me of conversations I had with my boyfriend when I was in my 20s who told me “when you become cleaner, when you start to clean the house, when you become the woman I want you to be, then I’ll marry you.“. 

Well I tried to smile through his comments, and let him know that I heard what he was saying, and let him know that I understood that again, I needed to be better, before someone would accept me. And as I said this, through tears, my partner began to get dressed. Putting on the shirt that he had taken off before he climbed into my bed. Putting on the shoes that he had taken off when he first came into my house. I asked, “are you leaving?“

 He said yeah.

Watching him leave, it hurt. It made me feel alone. Very alone. I don’t really know how to confront this lack of conversation. This lack of communication. I know I’m a messy person, but I don’t understand running away from conversations instead of engaging in them. I would hope and think I have good qualities that help balance this lacking I have.  I feel worthless. I feel alone.